Triggered Again

So, I’m doing my thing, on my path, working on patterns and behaviors that no longer serve me and all of the sudden, something happens and I’m triggered!

I threw a party for a friend with another friend. We both had equal but different responsibilities. During the party, I chose to remain the silent partner. That’s always been my typical “motus operandi”. In the past, I have always been the “behind the scene” person, who hides from the accolades and shies away from center stage. How easily I jumped right back into that same role. Per usual, most of the invitees gushed with compliments about the lovely party my friend/cohort pioneered. In her defense, she graciously shared the limelight, making it clear that it was a joint effort and that we both planned and worked together to make the special event what it was. Now in the past when this has occurred (as it often did), I would become very upset and feel resentful. And in all honesty, I did begin to feel some uncomfortable rumblings. I was triggered. Noticing this, I took a step back, became the observer asked myself some pretty tough questions like……

Did I have any expectations?

Was I looking for others to tell me what a nice and special thing I was doing?

Did I want or need recognition and validation from others?

Why did I hide in the background?

I had to really dig deep for the answers and it was not easy. But what became very clear to me was that my old story of feeling not worthy and inadequate had showed up once more. Through tears, I relived the old paradigm of feeling not worthy of attention, acknowledgement or accolades. All the old negative self-talk, that isn’t even self-talk anymore, reared its ugly head in all its glory. The role of hiding in the background was normal, but then it wasn’t anymore. It wasn’t comfortable, it didn’t feel good, or right, or normal. I felt those emotions again but this time with a twist; I experienced my feelings with an awareness; not as the same person I was before. I believe that sometimes we are challenged with old lessons in order to acknowledge how far we’ve come. And for that I give myself grace.

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